So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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