I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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