Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
