White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
