Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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