Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize