Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
