have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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