If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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