I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
