I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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