My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
