what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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