I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
