Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Operation Purity has been aborted
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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