i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
