Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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