I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
