Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He? As in you personified your dick?
not ubering you a puppy
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
