I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
