My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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