either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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