Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
