I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
