Umm I'm too high to move.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Will exercising make me less horny?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
