This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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