Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
