I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
