just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
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So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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