Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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