She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
