It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Holy shit dude........stairs
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
