i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
