cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
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I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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