she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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