Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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