I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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