i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
