She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
