who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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