I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
