he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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