he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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