My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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