Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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