I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
