sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
