just tell him i said nine months
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
