he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
