god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
