went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
