I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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