why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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