There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
