PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
