You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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