if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
