so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
