you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
